…about life, playing roles and why strong personal boundaries are necessary
by Jana Silk
Since my childhood, I have encountered moments of loneliness. There were instances when my friends would inexplicably become upset with me, distancing themselves from me during playtime or subject me to the silent treatment for no particular reason. It’s a common experience that many children go through at least once in their lives.
In order to navigate these challenging situations, I developed a specific coping mechanism – I consciously molded my personality into that of an altruist. I believed that by consistently performing good deeds for others, I could secure their approval and love. It became a way for me to validate my own worthiness, as I equated my actions with being deserving of acceptance and affection.
This pattern of seeking external validation through selfless acts is not uncommon, and many individuals adopt similar behaviors throughout their lives. It can become deeply ingrained within us, shaping our actions, beliefs and relationships. While it initially served as a coping mechanism, it is never sustainable and healthy. The quest for external validation through selflessness most of the times leads to neglecting our own needs and compromising our authenticity.
As human beings, our innate need for belonging is undeniable. It provides us with a sense of security, fulfillment, and safety, even if it’s only on the surface. It’s natural to feel a deep connection and belonginess with certain groups, while not resonating as strongly with others. However, some of us may find ourselves attempting to fit in with every group we encounter, playing different roles to different people. Some of these roles may develop organically based on the circumstances and events we’re experiencing at any given moment.
For instance, roles like being a parent are almost inevitable for many of us, as they help us navigate the ups and downs of parenting and guide our children through their own experiences. However, there are other roles that can be dangerous. Dangerous because we identify with them so strongly that we forget our true selves and overlook our Divine essence, becoming entangled in the daily dramas of life. As humans, we often identify with various roles related to our jobs, such as being an accountant, lawyer, or doctor. We may also assume roles that serve our perceived sense of importance in the broader community, such as being an activist, environmentalist, minimalist, vegetarian, or athlete – the list goes on.
Emotionally and characteristically, we may also play specific roles based on the opinions and perceptions of others. If someone views us as kind and easygoing, we may go out of our way to maintain that reputation. Conversely, if we’re labeled as difficult in certain settings, we may find ourselves unconsciously reinforcing that perception through our actions. Whether we’re believed to have high or low intellect, we may unintentionally and unconsciously embody those roles, as if we’re playing a game designed by the universe itself. We often bend our personal boundaries repeatedly for various people in our lives, all to sustain the roles we’re trapped in because they create our identity and a false sense of importance.
But there comes a moment, perhaps a fleeting fraction of time, when the mist lifts, and we experience a profound realization. In that tiny instant, we grasp the truth – that it’s all just one grand illusion. It’s as if we momentarily cease to exist, recognizing that we are nobody and no body. In that state of being, we say “Enough! I no longer wish to play these roles. I don’t have to identify with anything or anyone. I am and I can simply be. I don’t need to strive for false recognition from others who are also nobody”. This realization is wonderful, a blessing that arrives at the perfect moment for each individual. It cannot be forced, trained for, pretended, or fully comprehended. When it arrives, you will know.
In that moment of clarity, the burdens of playing roles and seeking validation are lifted. You find freedom in embracing your true Self, detached from the illusions of identity and importance. It is a profound, transformative experience that alters the course of your journey. From that point forward, you navigate life with a renewed sense of authenticity. You no longer feel the need to conform or please others, but rather to live in alignment with your own truth.
It is not uncommon that this moment of realization becomes a turning point where we are finally able to establish strong personal boundaries that we may have struggled with for decades.
For years, you may have believed that setting personal boundaries was selfish, or self-centered. Perhaps others have even labeled you as such when you attempted to assert yourself and protect your boundaries. The fear of being criticized or judged can be a powerful deterrent, leading us to let our guard down and compromise our boundaries in order to avoid conflict or maintain a false sense of harmony.
For some, the fear of loneliness creeps in if they don’t constantly serve others. They may have a deep-rooted belief that their worth is tied to how much they can help and please others. Perhaps they were raised in an environment where being polite and accommodating was highly valued, leading them to internalize the belief that they must always put others’ needs before their own. They may carry an internal dialogue that echoes phrases like “I must help, otherwise what will they think of me?” or “I must do this because it’s the right thing go do.”
Going even deeper, we encounter individuals who have been raised within different religious frameworks. Their actions are often dictated by the rules and doctrines of their faith. They may feel a sense of obligation driven by the fear that deviating from these prescribed behaviors will result in punishment, separation from God, or even eternal damnation.
Reflecting on my own experiences, I’ve come to realize how often I invited people into my life only to discover that, once they entered, they took advantage of my kindness. It’s a bittersweet realization that brings a smile to my face, a recognition of the valuable lessons learned along the way.
There have been instances where I placed people on pedestals, viewing them with awe and believing that I had to do whatever they asked of me. In those moments, I lost sight of my own boundaries and neglected to honor my own needs and well-being. It is a common trap to idealize others, thinking that their opinions or desires hold more weight than our own.
But when the realization dawns upon us, when we truly grasp the importance of self-respect and self-care, something shifts within us. We recognize that establishing and maintaining personal boundaries is not an act of selfishness, but an act of self-preservation and self-love. It is an acknowledgement of our own worth. It is a newfound understanding, we develop the courage to stand firm in our boundaries, regardless of external opinions or judgements. We embrace the fact that not everyone will understand or appreciate our boundaries, and that’s okay. We learn to let go of the need for validation and acceptance from others, and instead prioritize our own inner compass.
It is important to remember that setting boundaries is not about isolating ourselves or closing ourselves off from others. It is about creating healthy and respectful relationships, where both parties’ needs and boundaries are honored. By communicating our boundaries clearly and assertively, we foster a sense of trust and mutual respect in our interactions. We free ourselves from the burdens of people-pleasing and reclaim our personal power.
So, if you find yourself in that moment of realization, where you are finally able to establish strong personal boundaries, embrace it with gratitude and self-compassion. Recognize that this is a significant step towards living a more authentic and fulfilling life. Embrace the notion that honoring your boundaries is not selfish, but an essential act of self-care. Trust in your own inner wisdom and let it guide you as you navigate relationships and interactions with others.
